I hate June

Hell… June 24, 2011… we walked into a Dr.’s office, freshly tanned from a Mediterranean cruise… two completely happy people, blessed with everything we ever dreamt of, and more… thinking we actually had the world by the ass. When the Dr. began stating his news something inside me broke, it left my body and went up to the corner of the room and watched all three people crumble.

Of course I’m still not put back together properly, and nothing has been quite right ever since. But plenty has happened. The one really great thing to report now is that Robert’s scholarship fund has reached the target to sustain a $1000 perpetual gift. Thank you everyone!!! And next week we will attend SJA’s graduation and proudly give this award for the third time. (The bad news is that now I’ve gotten greedy and I want the award to support a gift of $2000 so you may not have heard the end of the fundraising!)

What else? The kittens are growing up, I’ve renovated the house, and I’m truly off antidepressants… I mean it this time. Hannah can read, and in two languages (!) She remembers her Gampy and how much he loves her; I often think he sends me hugs through her. I do less counselling appointments and more massage ones now, and have just allowed acupuncture inside my ear in an effort to trigger a ‘happy place’. I made it through a school year without using all my sick days, and have planned another visit to see Edna: the Canadian Psychic…

But on June 24… my physical body is again wrenched by this dreaded anniversary whose approach I think I can even smell as it insists on returning every year. I have to wonder if maybe we don’t operate any differently than birds and plants, whose behaviours are set by the length of the daylight hours…

Hard to believe we’ve circled the sun again, and so little has changed. It’s June, and it’s cold like always, and yet we still hope it will be different. Missing Robert continues to be pretty much a full-time job. Yes, it’s sprinkled with the odd day off, but those are mainly used for simply waiting on him to come home. Down deep inside my cells I somehow keep hoping this will turn out differently…

And so it goes. I know I have plenty to be grateful for, but it’s a struggle to make it feel meaningful without my much better half.


One thought on “I hate June

  1. Eileen, I hate this day for you. I have nothing deep to say except I’m sorry for such a great loss and I’m sorry for your ongoing pain. I love you. 💙

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